Sick of being sick
Have you ever had that feeling that no matter what you do, you can’t get anything to work right?
No matter how many times you try to fix a thing, it just keeps on breaking and breaking?
It’s a feeling of not just being sick of something, but being sick of being sick of that thing. It is the penultimate feeling of detachment where you are so fucking moved by this thing not going the way you want it to and you care about fixing it so bad that you loop back the other way and start totally detaching and just not giving a fuck about it.
Well, I’m pretty much there in my life.
We all have our moments and pockets of these feelings every now and then, but I’m not talking about those. I’m talking about when you truly feel fed up with the way your life has been going – truly feel fed up with the efforts (or lack thereof) you’ve been putting in that you are a hair away from just ending it all.
Of course, saner heads prevail.
My goal is neither to talk about suicide nor to make light of it in any way – my goal is to illuminate the fact that this is a state of rock bottom that is hidden from the outside world and one that only you yourself feel and understand. It is exactly this feeling of isolation and not being understood that led me to write about “the way out”.
What I am trying to say is that this particular form of rock bottom is very conducive to actual life change and actual taking of action. The pressure builds enough to become an existential threat and you are forced to take action – because your mind can no longer fathom this way of existence.
Cowards take that “easy way out”.
Brave men do not.
You sit and you fight it out, you use that existential dread to propel you forward and you break down your identity enough to kill your ego, enough to strip you of your current ways.
This is the path forward. This is where I am at right now.
I am sick of being sick of it. And it’s up to me to choose the right path to walk from here.
But announcing big changes is futile. You must show.
You must act.
And act I shall.